A long time coming...

I actually went to this site to create a blog to share devotional thoughts with others through a link to FB. Interesting to see how time has passed, but I haven't changed a whole lot. Still misplace my journals. Still want to make life changes related to the books I was reading three years ago. I've done a lot of traveling, been blessed with a beautiful granddaughter, celebrated my daughter-in-law and son's graduation from Denver Seminary, my daughter from UAB and taken several college courses myself. I still dream of an online business and the freedom it would permit me. I have at least tried to get private insurance to relieve me of the need for the full time status, and written a wee bit more than term papers. Oh, and let's not forget a short term mission trip to Bosnia, studied Revelation for two years in Precept, taken up tennis and dropped it, lead a women's small group and now co- leading a couples group with Bob. And volunteered in the nursery and dropped that. Ha! No wonder I haven't found time for a blog or to start a internet business. Traveler's rest. Hmmm. After the recent event I organized with Danielle's graduation and the trip to Destin, the title seems a bit appropriate. So I continue to fill my time with work, family, friends, ministry, studying and learning, sports and exercise, working on our home and seeking an even more fulfilling future. And always, always, seeking God and His will in the midst of it all.... HE IS GOOD!

Time for change

I don't forsee this being the way in which I will continue writing- once or twice a year isn't much to follow. But until I establish a better forum, which I am exploring, I will express my need to write here. It feels like a need, guess its more of a desire, but its quite compelling. I don't necessarily think I have anything more important to say than anyone else, just needs to be said in written words. Ha! Can't use the expression -on paper. Written, hardly seems to be appropriate for typed on a computer screen. I've been enjoying some of my favorite young people's writings lately. My son, Jeromie. My daughter-in-law, Liz. And my son Jonathan's friend Christopher Boone- writing of his adventures with Jonathan in Panama. Quite a story teller!
As I flesh out this writing thing, be it a blog, stories or... not sure yet. Just need to commit to it and get it down. Share it and see where it leads. So... as unread as this site really is, and rarely written in- this is just sort of an accountability to self statement. More later...

Fully engaged

First my blog shows my only follower as my sweet daughter-in-law. I know my oldest son, her husband, follows as well. Thanks kids.
Anyway, my latest passionate thought is to live life "fully engaged." In every area of life. Spiritually with God, and with other believers. Emotionally, in touch with myself, but mostly honest, vulnerable, compassionate and caring toward others. Risking rejection, offending and being offended - without letting that risk or feeling shut me down, cause me to fear further engaging. Tough, happens most every day. Not in big ways, just little ways. I am committed to moving forward - emotionally, socially and spiritually. All the ugly and beautiful go hand in hand with many confessions and pleas for forgiveness from the Father, but the courage to keep foraging onward.
Physically. I think I could become "addicted" to strenuous exercise. I like the way I feel after a good workout - I feel more alive. Intellectually. It is so easy to become lazy in that area, as well as the others. I must be ever learning -even the things that don't interest me as much, but are important. Professionally. Regardless of how long I do what I'm doing, I must be the best I can be, so my patients can be the best they can be.
And through all these endeavors there must be right priorities. There must above all, be humility. None of these efforts are to make me 'superior' to anyone. On the contrary, through pushing through my human frailties and fears, I will become a servant and be more useful to all. By jumping in to life (rather diving), I will eventually lose 'SELF' and become as I should be - fully engaged.

Too late once again...

Must be brief, by the time I read email, FB entries and Jer and Liz's blogs, its really late. Looking for ways to enjoy 'community' and meaningful, honest conversation with others. There are things about the day prompting this, but mostly about my station in life. I am reading "Four Hour Work Week", per Jonathan's recommendation, "Heaven", Exodus and Matthew, Dave Ramsey's latest book on finances, as well as my usual recipes for this and that, newspaper, magazine on gardening - trying to learn how to start a compost pile (without poop, if I can manage it). Really wanting to make changes in my life and honestly not knowing what direction to head in. I have and continue to make my husband and children priority in my life, willingly setting other things aside to spend time with them or serve them as needed. I truly enjoy them and have had some good times of late - evening out with Bob and Jonny, cooking and enjoying time with two of Jonathan's friends this past week, visiting with Danielle and Haven this afternoon- but things are shifting, have shifted. I must embrace change, not mourn it, and find good and satisfaction from life as God is good, very good. Yet, recognizing need for change can be the beginning of an exciting new adventure...
Will keep you posted... pun intended.

Today...

Much on my mind today, but perhaps I shouldn't have read my previous blogs prior to posting this one. It seems to have distracted the train of thought I was on, maybe because it is too similar to my frame of mind when posting other blogs. I think it is time to begin writing more, but whether it will be in the form of blogs, letters, journals, perhaps working toward something more grandeur for me -like a book, I don't know. I do know my life is changing still and I haven't quite got a handle on what the path looks like from here. I have made many adjustments in the past, some of necessity- the birth of a child, loss of a job, move to a new city and some of choice for what seemed to be my own well being- going back to school, changing jobs or churches, seeking new relationships.

Now, I must make changes of necessity- no kids at home, loss of a parent, aging, that could precipitate changes of choice- career, ministry, relationships, habits, location to call home. I guess this is the greatest change of life I've had since becoming a mother 28 years ago. Though there are many passions to pursue in life given the opportunity, I am becoming keenly aware of how very much motherhood has suited me. I just love kids and all that comes with them. I felt 'complete' or 'right' as a mom. Of course, I always knew this day would come and I've had ideas in mind for what I would do with the time for many years. The transition to that picture is not nearly as smooth as I had envisioned. I planned to use the free time for ministry or perhaps yet another career- to pursue things that I was interested in but simply would have taken too much time away from my first, and always foremost, career as 'mom'.

I am grateful for the privilege of raising or 'rearing' (as some insist) my beautiful children, my husband, family, friends who are like family, Jesus, POMH (my body of believers), health, freedom, abundance, choices, and so much more. My journey is changing and taking on new shape and perhaps new destinations. I pray God is laying paths ahead to bring glory to Him in whatever direction I may travel.

Moments of reflection

I finished watching "Australia", which was both enjoyable and moving. Sometimes engaging in a well done movie stirs up personal emotions that are tugged at by scenes and relationships in the story. This one is full of adventure, romance, loss, passions of "parenting" and loving. Reflecting on the many changes in my life lately representing losses of varying types and degrees - the emotions are sweeping over me like a wave engulfs one in the ocean. The star of the movie becomes attached like a mother to a young boy, and is forced to let him go and then willingly lets him go, when it is time. She loses a husband, gains, then nearly loses a romance, with much turmoil in the midst of it all.

Losing my father to cancer this summer is the deepest personal loss I've experienced. I miss him. I wish there were more time to talk - like about how I think I'm more like him in many ways than I ever thought. About spiritual things, about life, love, family- just things. I've called my Mom every day since he passed- it keeps me connected and its one thing I can do, being so far away.

My daughter. I miss her. We 'communicate', some phone calls, but mostly through text. I miss having her as a part of my daily life and being a part of hers. I would love to make her a favorite meal once in awhile, or hang out and watch 'girl movies' like "Miss Congeniality" or just listen to her chat about her day or her thoughts. Or 'nurture' her when she's sick.

I miss my job, I just left. I know it is what I needed to do, but I still miss it. Many things about it suited me - perhaps I should have given it another chance, but the decreased hours and responsibility of the new job will allow me time to think, rest and "be".

I miss my sons too. Jer has been out of the house 10 years now - but I so enjoy spending time with him and Liz. Jonny - I really enjoy having him around. It is so great to hear his thoughts and adventures.

Change. It's hard. There are many positive things happening in my life right now, too. But it's important to take the time to feel the loss, both those due to positive and negative changes.

Perhaps tomorrow I'll watch a comedy.:)

Time to cry..

I finally found my journal I recently purchased because I couldn't find my old journal.  A pattern emerging perhaps?  One, I journal so infrequently (kinda like I seldom post blogs) that I don't remember where I left them.  Two, it is an unfortunate representation of my life right now. Hectic, chaotic, stressful and disorganized with little time for me, God, reflecting or even learning.  I just finished reading about a month's worth of Liz's blogs.  I am ever amazed at the things she finds time to do, learn and share. She is always researching things, putting cool pictures and links on her blogs, creating things, doing things, sharing life, learning things. I seem to work and struggle to keep up with that or things at home - just mundane, regular things like groceries, cleaning, laundry, finding things I've misplaced :).  I guess I spend a fair amount of time keeping up with long distance relationships through phone calls and try to enjoy as much quality time with family as I can.  But, as I read through her blogs, many of them made me cry- and the posted comments.  I look forward to a lifetime of getting to know the special, multi-talented young lady that my son has claimed as "wife".  

     The journal entry I made in my personal journal today I entitled - "no time to cry".  There have been many hard things in life lately and it seems I have a difficult time finding any personal time to deal with them, cry over them, fully turn them over to God for his care and handling.  My Dad's illness tops the list.  There are many changes in the dynamics of my immediate family as well. My responsibilities at my job have increased, and my free time has decreased - considerably. There are many things that I feel a need to sort through and "figure out" with God.  I have made the decision not to go into work today, though I feel behind in management responsibilities.  I really need today (Sunday) off.  I need more time to live and enjoy life, savor moments with loved ones,  build real relationships with people in Mobile (including my husband and daughter), take care of things (so I can find them), meditate, be filled by the Holy Spirit, learn new things, take care of me.   In part, Liz, through her blogs, has inspired me to make time to nurture those longings and talents God has given me.